Life, Death, Anxiety and Peace
Death: The past couple of months have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. In January I attended the funeral of a sweet cousin who was like a sister to my late mother. Last week I drove down to Southeastern Kentucky to pay final respects to a close family friend. The two common threads with both of these people were death and my mom. Death is harsh. It's so, so.... final. Of course, if the person dying is a believer, it is just the beginning of eternity. This is more about those of us who are left behind. Attending both of these funerals, less than a month apart, had me missing my mom and thinking of my own mortality. That in itself, can produce anxiety to think about, especially, when I am only a year younger than when she passed away. It's not like I choose to ponder on it. When something comes up that reminds me of her, I am reminded.
Life: Life is challenging. It is also a gift. A gift that I know I don't always choose to live to the fullest. I tend to be a glass half empty person. I usually see a fault before I see a positive. I hate that I am made that way. That is why I choose to keep a record of thankfulness everyday. You know the page in a calendar with the lines? Everyday (almost) I will write at least one blessing or something I'm thankful from that day. It helps me focus on what is noble, lovely, true, excellent, and praiseworthy.
I tend to be an emotional person. I get caught up in circumstances that can weigh me down. Do the math.... I have five children ranging in age from 19 down to 5. That is a lot of drama, joys, sorrows, tears, yelling, screaming, and love. Throw in the fact a couple are in puberty, one is preparing to graduate, one starting kindergarten and two others starting new schools next year along with one with ADHD and a mood disorder, things can get stressful pretty quickly around here.
Anxiety: Things are usually hopping around here. Sometimes, okay... a lot of the time, I don't sit down and have time with the Lord like I would love to have. I pray without ceasing, I'm in the Word everyday, but not the concentrated, quiet time I crave. If you are still reading this, hang with me, this will all tie together. I give a lot, but don't always take the time to refill. Recently, I have been a broken, empty vessel. Comforting myself and others who are grieving. Juggling the needs of 5 kiddos, a husband, and an adorable dog. Serving at church, going to Sunday school, helping with different ministries. Even though they are all good, unless I'm putting God first, it's just a recipe for disaster. Disaster usually happens in the form of a physical ailment and anxiety for me.
Satan has always used the same tactic to attack me. It's annoying really. Even when I know it's occurring, it's like I lose my senses. This is what happened most recently.
I loved my time in Kentucky last week with friends who are basically extended family. (Even though I was there for a funeral, it was comforting just being there) I went down Tuesday and came back Wednesday. I drove from 65 degree weather, partly sunny, through rain, thunderstorm, dropping temps, tears as I thought of sweet memories, more rain, then freezing rain, and then snow. I was tired and exhausted but couldn't get to sleep when I got home. Thursday morning I had an audiology appointment. I noticed about a year and a half ago that I could not hear the beeping on the kiddie thermometer when I was taking Noah's temp. I have also noticed that it is a bit harder to hear if there is a lot of background noise.
My appointment with the ENT was immediately after the reading. I just assumed he would confirm the hearing loss, possibly talk about a hearing aid and send me on my way. Satan was waiting in the wings for just the right moment to pounce. The doctor indicated I have hearing loss at higher frequencies. He said it was within normal range for a person my age, 45. However, there was a moderate difference between the hearing loss in the right than the left. Then he said, it would not be out of the question to have an MRI to rule out a benign acoustic tumor. Do you know how close that nerve is to the brain? WAIT! WHAT?! Pounce, pounce!!! Immediately, I began sweating, my heart was racing and from that moment forward I was pretty much checked out, emotionally. Right there, in that doctor office, I had a panic attack. Even though I told the doctor I had been under stress and just him saying that sent me into an attack, it had to have been painfully obvious what was happening. I was flushed, my pits were soaking wet, and my forehead was dripping. Here is the thing, for someone who can get irrational in the heat of the moment, he may as well have given me a death sentence right then and there. I know it is absurd to read and might be funny, but trust me, in the midst of a panic attack, it is very real.
I asked if it was really necessary to have an MRI, if there was a plan B. I walked out of there leaving it that I will be back in 6 months for another hearing test to see if there is anymore hearing loss. The next day I received a call that I will have an MRI in 5 months. I went home and took about a 2 hour nap. I needed to clear my head and think. I needed to pray. I needed God.
Peace: Once I was calm and a bit rational I spoke to a couple different friends. Thank you, you know who you are! Did you know there are tons of things out there that can contribute to hearing loss? Here is a small sampling of my personal issues that could contribute to hearing loss: TMJ, stress, atlas subluxation, bucked off a horse and landing flat on my back, a blow to the head that had me seeing black then stars..... I had a plan to talk to my chiropractor to ask about all of the things that were coming to mind. Apparently, I have had ringing in my ears as far back as I can remember. I just thought it was normal. I have always heard better out of my left ear than my right. Those were the kind of things that didn't come to mind because I was in such a panicked state.
My first plan was to fight back with prayer. I am part of a prayer group on Facebook. Let me tell you, once I put that request out, I knew when people were praying. I prayed. I prayed for peace and clarity of mind. A sweet friend told me long ago to weed out the 'what if's.' That really is part of FEAR, false evidence appearing real. I rebuked the attack of the enemy and commanded him to flee. I immediately had a peace come over me.
This morning, my chiropractor affirmed everything that I had mentioned above. That was relief.
I never cease to be amazed at the power of God and His timing, His love, and provision. The underlying problem is not the hearing. It is the lack of trusting and lack of time with Him. I was tired and vulnerable and Satan found a way in. I am currently studying John in BSF. Our Sunday school class is studying 1 John. Our sermon series is on 1 John. Today I was answering a question about how the Bible shows the "prince of this world" is an actual evil creature. My favorite question was What do I learn about peace in John 14:27 and how it helps me in my current situation. Wow! Talk about letting a lesson be applicable to my life!
I received a text yesterday asking how I was doing.
I received an email today from someone who serves full time with a widely respected ministry. She has no idea what has been going on.
"Hey, Karen, you have been on my mind a lot lately. Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Happy Valentines Day!"
I sat in front of the screen with tears running down my face.Through the prompting of the Holy Spirit, she obeyed to pray for me. He cares enough about every detail of my life that he conveyed my needs for intercessory prayer. When people obey and humble themselves to the leading of the Spirit, it is a beautiful reminder of the Father's love and care. He wants me wholeheartedly to trust and follow. Through him is true peace that transcends all understanding.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27
Life: Life is challenging. It is also a gift. A gift that I know I don't always choose to live to the fullest. I tend to be a glass half empty person. I usually see a fault before I see a positive. I hate that I am made that way. That is why I choose to keep a record of thankfulness everyday. You know the page in a calendar with the lines? Everyday (almost) I will write at least one blessing or something I'm thankful from that day. It helps me focus on what is noble, lovely, true, excellent, and praiseworthy.
I tend to be an emotional person. I get caught up in circumstances that can weigh me down. Do the math.... I have five children ranging in age from 19 down to 5. That is a lot of drama, joys, sorrows, tears, yelling, screaming, and love. Throw in the fact a couple are in puberty, one is preparing to graduate, one starting kindergarten and two others starting new schools next year along with one with ADHD and a mood disorder, things can get stressful pretty quickly around here.
Anxiety: Things are usually hopping around here. Sometimes, okay... a lot of the time, I don't sit down and have time with the Lord like I would love to have. I pray without ceasing, I'm in the Word everyday, but not the concentrated, quiet time I crave. If you are still reading this, hang with me, this will all tie together. I give a lot, but don't always take the time to refill. Recently, I have been a broken, empty vessel. Comforting myself and others who are grieving. Juggling the needs of 5 kiddos, a husband, and an adorable dog. Serving at church, going to Sunday school, helping with different ministries. Even though they are all good, unless I'm putting God first, it's just a recipe for disaster. Disaster usually happens in the form of a physical ailment and anxiety for me.
Satan has always used the same tactic to attack me. It's annoying really. Even when I know it's occurring, it's like I lose my senses. This is what happened most recently.
I loved my time in Kentucky last week with friends who are basically extended family. (Even though I was there for a funeral, it was comforting just being there) I went down Tuesday and came back Wednesday. I drove from 65 degree weather, partly sunny, through rain, thunderstorm, dropping temps, tears as I thought of sweet memories, more rain, then freezing rain, and then snow. I was tired and exhausted but couldn't get to sleep when I got home. Thursday morning I had an audiology appointment. I noticed about a year and a half ago that I could not hear the beeping on the kiddie thermometer when I was taking Noah's temp. I have also noticed that it is a bit harder to hear if there is a lot of background noise.
My appointment with the ENT was immediately after the reading. I just assumed he would confirm the hearing loss, possibly talk about a hearing aid and send me on my way. Satan was waiting in the wings for just the right moment to pounce. The doctor indicated I have hearing loss at higher frequencies. He said it was within normal range for a person my age, 45. However, there was a moderate difference between the hearing loss in the right than the left. Then he said, it would not be out of the question to have an MRI to rule out a benign acoustic tumor. Do you know how close that nerve is to the brain? WAIT! WHAT?! Pounce, pounce!!! Immediately, I began sweating, my heart was racing and from that moment forward I was pretty much checked out, emotionally. Right there, in that doctor office, I had a panic attack. Even though I told the doctor I had been under stress and just him saying that sent me into an attack, it had to have been painfully obvious what was happening. I was flushed, my pits were soaking wet, and my forehead was dripping. Here is the thing, for someone who can get irrational in the heat of the moment, he may as well have given me a death sentence right then and there. I know it is absurd to read and might be funny, but trust me, in the midst of a panic attack, it is very real.
I asked if it was really necessary to have an MRI, if there was a plan B. I walked out of there leaving it that I will be back in 6 months for another hearing test to see if there is anymore hearing loss. The next day I received a call that I will have an MRI in 5 months. I went home and took about a 2 hour nap. I needed to clear my head and think. I needed to pray. I needed God.
Peace: Once I was calm and a bit rational I spoke to a couple different friends. Thank you, you know who you are! Did you know there are tons of things out there that can contribute to hearing loss? Here is a small sampling of my personal issues that could contribute to hearing loss: TMJ, stress, atlas subluxation, bucked off a horse and landing flat on my back, a blow to the head that had me seeing black then stars..... I had a plan to talk to my chiropractor to ask about all of the things that were coming to mind. Apparently, I have had ringing in my ears as far back as I can remember. I just thought it was normal. I have always heard better out of my left ear than my right. Those were the kind of things that didn't come to mind because I was in such a panicked state.
My first plan was to fight back with prayer. I am part of a prayer group on Facebook. Let me tell you, once I put that request out, I knew when people were praying. I prayed. I prayed for peace and clarity of mind. A sweet friend told me long ago to weed out the 'what if's.' That really is part of FEAR, false evidence appearing real. I rebuked the attack of the enemy and commanded him to flee. I immediately had a peace come over me.
This morning, my chiropractor affirmed everything that I had mentioned above. That was relief.
I never cease to be amazed at the power of God and His timing, His love, and provision. The underlying problem is not the hearing. It is the lack of trusting and lack of time with Him. I was tired and vulnerable and Satan found a way in. I am currently studying John in BSF. Our Sunday school class is studying 1 John. Our sermon series is on 1 John. Today I was answering a question about how the Bible shows the "prince of this world" is an actual evil creature. My favorite question was What do I learn about peace in John 14:27 and how it helps me in my current situation. Wow! Talk about letting a lesson be applicable to my life!
I received a text yesterday asking how I was doing.
I received an email today from someone who serves full time with a widely respected ministry. She has no idea what has been going on.
"Hey, Karen, you have been on my mind a lot lately. Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Happy Valentines Day!"
I sat in front of the screen with tears running down my face.Through the prompting of the Holy Spirit, she obeyed to pray for me. He cares enough about every detail of my life that he conveyed my needs for intercessory prayer. When people obey and humble themselves to the leading of the Spirit, it is a beautiful reminder of the Father's love and care. He wants me wholeheartedly to trust and follow. Through him is true peace that transcends all understanding.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27
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